Eulogy For Becky Lynn Gilburt
By
Avi Gilburt
This weekend will mark the 3rd anniversary of my wife's- Becky Lynn Gilburt - passing. I will not likely be around much, but, if you don't mind, I wanted to repost the eulogy I gave for her at the time. It is long, and some of it is in Hebrew, but I think you will get the gist of it.
Several weeks ago, in Parshas Chaya Sarah, we learned from Avraham Avinu what one is to do when a loved one passes. The Pasuk I want to focus upon from that Parsha, is Vayakom Avraham Lispod L’Sarah, V’LivKota – Avraham got up to eulogize Sarah and to mourn for her.
For the last 7 of 8 years, a small group of us have been learning Meseches Sanhedrin with Rabbi Milikowsky. In the 6th Perek, there is a discussion in the Gemarah of whether the eulogy is given for the honor of the living or the honor of the deceased. Ultimately, the Gemara concludes that it is for the honor of the deceased. So, tonight, we are all here to honor my wife, Becky Gilburt, Beheya Zelata Bas Shemual and Sarah Devorah- Aleha Hashalom – may she be in peace.
It was approximately 5 years ago that Becky and I met. And, when I enquired about her of the local Rabbanim in Florida – her original home – each answer came back almost exactly the same – they all expressed the words of Mishlei (Proverbs): Isha Yiras Hashem – she is a G-d fearing woman.
As I was lucky enough to get to know Becky better and better, I learned that those were not the only words of Mishlei that applied to Becky. So, when I started to go through all the words of Eishes Chayil more carefully with the Mefarshim, I realized that all the Pesukim applied to Becky in one way or another – as she was the consummate Eishes Chayil in all respects. But, tonight, I would like to highlight just a few.
The 3rd Pasuk of Eishes Chayil says Gemalathu Tov V’lo rah – she bestows goodness and never evil. I have seen interpretations of this Pasuk that say that such a woman responds warmly to those who treat her well, but does not react in kind to those who treat her poorly.
I have to tell you that Becky even went beyond the words of Mishlei in this regard. Not only did she not respond in kind to those who treated her poorly, she showed exceptional kindness to those who treated her poorly.
Although I can cite numerous stories to explain how she exhibited this quality, one very unusual circumstance stands out more than others. I was not really sure if I was going to discuss this example, but it was too extraordinary an example not to mention it tonight.
For those that may not know, the type of cancer from which Becky suffered caused her a significant amount of constant pain, for which heavy pain killers only provided limited relief. During the last several months of her life, she spent most of the time bed-ridden, attempting to find one comfortable position or another which would help her alleviate some of the pain. Unfortunately, she would rarely be successful.
As many of you also know, we have had our share of difficulties with my ex-spouse during and after the divorce. Those of you that know us well, know the extent to which I speak.
My ex-wife’s husband passed away a number of months ago. Yet, even though Becky was in constant excruciating pain at the time, and mostly bed ridden, she pulled herself out of bed and struggled to make her way down to the kitchen. She proceeded to cook 3 large pans of food which she arranged to be delivered to the shiva house so that Debbie, Justin and Emily would have food to eat during this time, as Justin and Emily were spending time with her during the Shiva. After considering not only the history of the situation, but when we also consider the severe pain with which she was suffering when she made the food, I stand here before you today, still stunned by and in complete awe of this extraordinary act of kindness.
Vatakam B’od Lylah, Vateetain Teref L’Vaitah – She arises while it is night and provides food to her house.
Unlike pampered, high maintenance woman, an Aishes Chayil does not allow herself a lot of sleep, and makes sure that there is plenty of food in the house and that her children are always well fed. Anyone that had been to our house late at night, especially Wednesday or Thursday night, would have seen Becky up until the wee hours of the morning cooking and baking for Shabbos or for the many Sheva Berachos and shul events for which she prepared food.
But, there were several scenarios that showed, again, how Becky took the words of Eishes Chayil to another level in feeding her children.
We found out about Becky’s cancer only a week after Yoni’s bris. During her pregnancy, she was getting pain in the front of her knee. So, of course, we simply assumed that she was having some kind of ligament problem due to the additional stress on her knees from the weight gain during pregnancy. We went to a friend of mine, who is an orthopedic surgeon, to have it checked out after Yoni’s bris. After Becky took an x-ray, my friend, the doctor, came back into the room with us, white as a ghost. With a clearly heavy heart, he explained to us that there is a softball size tumor on the back of her leg which is also inside the bone in her leg.
We immediately went to the cancer specialist. When we sat in front of this next doctor, he explained to us how serious and rare this cancer was. He explained that there are approximately 2000 cases worldwide, and it has a 15% survival rate. He stressed that she needed to begin chemotherapy immediately and would then have to go through a 10 hour surgery after the first stage of her chemo treatments.
Most people, when they hear this type of news, react by telling the doctor they want to go the hospital immediately to begin treatment. Not Becky. Her first reaction to the doctor was to explain to the doctor how she has a baby at home that was only several weeks old. And, even though the doctor explained to her how serious the situation was and reiterated several times that she should begin treatment immediately, her only question to the doctor was how long can we delay since she still has to breast feed her young child just a little while longer.
The doctor, a bit stunned by the question, turned to her and said, “Mrs. Gilburt, I don’t think you understand . . .” My wife cut him off right there, and retorted “Doctor, I don’t think YOU understand.” In simple terms, Becky was going to make sure she could provide the best nourishment for Yoni for as long as she possibly could. I am not sure how one could fulfill the words of Vateetain Teref L’vaitah in any more complete fashion.
Malbim interprets Teref as generous helpings of food. So, he views the members of the household of an Eishes Chayil as receiving as much food as they like. Again, Becky took this to another level. Before she became ill, not only did she prepare dinner each night, she would ask each child what they wanted for dinner, and she would then make a different dinner for each of the children almost every night.
While many may view this as potentially spoiling the children, she understood that, in blending a mixed family, this was the way she could show love to each and every child on an individual scale.
Chagrah Be’oz Matneha, Vate’ametz Zero’oteha. With strength she girds her loins and invigorates her arms.
About two years after Becky had her 10 hour surgery, as well as two other surgeries to take out tumors from her lungs and other places in her body, she was advised to try another aggressive chemotherapy treatment. Well, there are 5 chemotherapy drugs that are considered to be the strongest chemo drugs given to cancer patients. The treatment they were advising for her was a combination of 3 of those 5 drugs to be given simultaneously. The treatment was so toxic that it had to be administered while she was residing in the hospital. In fact, her schedule was so rigorous, it consisted of spending 4-5 days in the hospital, coming home for two days, going back to the hospital for 4-5 days, coming home for 2 days, and then going back to the hospital for 4-5 days. She would then get a break for about a week and then begin the process again. This went on for 4 months.
While I am sure you can understand that these cancer drugs cause every conceivable side effect you can imagine, and many you can’t, she was constantly suffering during this 4 month period, and exceptionally weak. So, now you may be thinking that while she was home during her breaks from the chemo treatments she was resting and attempting to somewhat recuperate and get her strength up for the next hospital stay, I can assure you that this was not her primary concern. As nauseas as she was, and as weak as she was, she did not rest in bed when she came home. To this day, I still do not know how she mustered the strength to get out of bed.
But, since her primary concern was to make sure there was enough food made and frozen in the freezer while she was away so that Yoni, Sammy, Emily and Justin were well fed while she could not be home, she found the strength to go into the kitchen and cook, package and freeze all the meals they would need during the time she would be in the hospital on her next visit. In fact, she was so meticulous, she even made individually packaged meals for Yoni, and left instructions about which meal was to be fed to him and when.
Kapah Parsah Le’ani, Veyadeha Shilcha La-evyon – She spreads out her palm to the poor man and extends her hands to the destitute man.
Whenever I had wanted to buy her a gift, a discussion – as I cannot really say it was an argument – always ensued, during which Becky adamantly discouraged me from buying her gifts. Rather, she wanted the money to go to tzedakah. But, as a husband who wanted to spoil his wife when he could, I can’t say that I always honored that request.
One is generally limited to giving no more than 20% of their income to charity. However, money meant nothing to my wife. At the Levaya in Florida, Rabbi Milikowsky reminded us about the time when my wife called him to ask a halachic question, one which, as he stated at the Levaya, he is definitely not accustomed to being asked. During the years in which Hashem blessed us, Becky wanted to give more than 20% of our income to charity. Therefore, she called Rabbi Milikowsky to obtain rabbinic approval to be able to do so. Again, this was because money meant nothing to her personally, and she only looked at it as something that Hashem would give to us to do the right things with. She firmly believed that if we wasted it, Hashem would not approve and we would not be granted the ability to continue to give Tzedakah. And, she did not view the “right thing” as shopping or spending it on frivolous things. In fact, my wife despised shopping.
I even remember when we were in NYC when we began our honeymoon trip during our first year of marriage. We were walking along the streets in mid-town Manhattan, and we were passing by a Judaica store. I saw a beautiful silver candelabra in the window and wanted to buy it for her to light candles on Shabbos. She adamantly refused, and said if I wanted to spend the money, she would rather we give it to tzedakah than splurge on a silver candelabra.
But, the one indulgence that Becky would allow herself in life was spending on cook books and kitchen gadgets. But, those that knew her knew very well that these simply aided her in bring pleasure to others with her cooking. So, even her splurging was done in a manner that was only to give pleasure to others. And, for those that had the privilege of eating her food and cakes, it was truly a pleasure beyond words.
Sheker Hachain V’Hevel Hayofi, Isha Yiras Hashem Hee Tishalal – Grace is false, beauty is vain; only a G-d fearing woman should be praised.
I apologize if I will stand before you today, and claim that my wife had extraordinary physical beauty. She really was a beautiful woman. But, in so doing, I am not praising her for anything that she herself accomplished in her lifetime.
In Gemara Meseches Berachos, we learn the statement that “Hakol B’yedai shamayim, chutz m’yiras Shamayim.” Everything is in the hands of Hashem, other than the fear of Hasehm. So, effectively, Becky’s physical beauty was truly a gift from Hashem, and she had nothing to do with it. But, when you inquire of the Rabbanim of her local region, and each and every one of them gives you the answer that this woman had tremendous Yiras Shamayim, then we know that this is a special woman. But, this quality, unlike her physical beauty, was one that she developed on her own. And, as beautiful as she was, let me assure you that her inner beauty far surpassed her outer beauty.
Becky’s Yiras Shamayim was seen in every aspect of her life. Her fear of Lashon Hara was with her throughout our entire marriage. She would admonish the children whenever she even sensed that they were about to mention something that may even come close to Lashon Hara. Her meticulous efforts when it came to all the mitzvos she did around the house was truly something to behold. And during the very difficult times, when she was in so much pain, and I was questioning Hashem, she, of all people, was the one who would give me chizuk when it came to emunah. Never had I seen a better example of emunah in Hashem in my entire life. She was truly my hero in many ways. She was nothing less than a Malach that graced my life.
In the last Pasuk of Eishes Chayil, we see the words “Ve-halleluha Bashearim Ma-aseha” – Let her be praised at the gates by her deeds. So, now, that Hashem has decided that she could no longer grace our presence, her amazing deeds and the deeds of her children will be praising her as she stands at the gates of shamayim before Hakadosh Baruch Hu.
But, amazingly, even after Becky was nifteres, I truly believe that she is still busying herself doing what was most important to her – she is still caring for her family. So, before I conclude tonight, I want to tell you a few stories of Hashgacha Pratis, which gives us chizuk that, while Becky is in shamayim, she is still caring for her family down here.
As some of you may have realized, Becky was nifteres in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. In fact, Hurricane Sandy hit New York City the day of her Levaya. But, what was truly astonishing was that the New York Stock Market was closed for not just one day, but it was closed for two days.
To put this into better context, the last time the stock market closed for two straight days due to a weather event was in the 1880’s. So it has been approximately 130 years since the stock market had closed for two straight days.
For those of you that do not know, I have developed a new career over the last few years which is based upon the stock market. So, the fact that the stock market closed for the time of the avelus during which I was forbidden in any work whatsoever is truly astonishing to me. I cannot help but feel that Becky did not want me to even have to worry about work at all during the first few days of avelus, which were truly among the hardest days of my entire life.
Another equally astonishing story had to do with her son, Sammy. For half a year, Sammy wanted an APPLE I-touch. Well, like any good mother, Becky placed certain parameters around Sammy’s ability to be able to get an I-touch. Within the last two days of Becky’s life, Sammy had still not quite earned the present based upon the parameters she set for him. But, because of how he helped her in her final days, she told us that we should get him an I-touch. The only ones that knew about Becky’s acquiescence to the present were myself and her father. But, due to the manner in which things occurred over her last days, we were clearly unable to get him one immediately.
The day we came home to my father-in-law’s shiva house from the Levaya, one of Sammy’s cousins had to stop by an AAPL store to pick up an order they had ready for them. But, while they were there, for some reason, something came over them and they felt that they had to buy Sammy a present . . yes, the present which they felt compelled to buy was an I-touch in the exact color that Sammy had wanted. And, no, they did not even know that Sammy had wanted an I-touch, or that Becky even wanted us to get him one. So, again, it seems as though Becky was working to do something else for someone dear in her life – her son Sammy.
Please bear with me, as there is one final story I feel compelled to tell. For those that have been to our house, I am sure you have seen the beautiful grandfather clock that we have in our foyer. I had purchased that grandfather clock almost 10 years ago, while I was single and had not even met Becky yet. This clock has not given me a day of trouble since I purchased it, and Becky knew how much I appreciated this clock. As long as this clock is wound once a week, it simply continues to run and chime on a regular basis. In fact, Yoni and I together wound the clock on Wednesday, which was exactly a week after we returned from Florida.
The Friday of that week would have been Becky’s 35th birthday. When I came home from shul that morning, I noticed that the clock had stopped just at 7am. Yes, this was the first time in almost 10 years that this clock had stopped even though it was appropriately wound by Yoni and I two days before. And, yes, it stopped for the first time in almost 10 years on Becky’s birthday. Yet, I felt the need to ask one question. I then called Becky’s father and asked him what time of the day Becky was born. I did not tell him why I was asking. His answer to me was that Becky’s mother was wheeled in for a caesarian section a little before 7am in the morning. When I told him why I was asking, and after he got chills from what I told him, he said to me “Avi, she is still in the house. So make sure it is clean for Shabbos.”
So, at this time, I would like to digress for a moment, as I would be remiss in furthering my wife’s desires if I did not appropriately show Hakaras Hatov to everyone in our community. During the years when she went through surgery after surgery, or chemo treatment after chemo treatment, the amount of requests to help by those in our community was simply astonishing. The meals that were sent over when my wife was ultimately unable to cook, or just the overall support that we received from so many members of this amazing community is simply beyond anything for which I am able to appropriately thank you all. But, I really do owe specific “thank you’s” to 5 families in this community, for without their help, I am simply not sure what we would have done. I want to thank the Mittleman, Mannes, Levin, Michaels and, of course, the Milikowsky families for what they have done for our whole family. If I were to enumerate the manner in which they all helped us, we would likely be here all night. So, I will simply beg you to please accept Becky and my deepest heartfelt thank you for all you have done for our family.
And, lastly, to my beloved Becky, I love you so much, and miss you and your beautiful laugh more than words can ever convey. I will do my utmost to raise Sammy and Yoni in as close as possible to the manner in which you would have done yourself. You left me an extraordinary, and even superhuman, example of how to devote yourself to your children, and to always remain focused on only what is important in life. I pray that I can live up to your example.
There is a famous saying that what the caterpillar perceives as the end, to the butterfly, it is just the beginning. So, continue to fly our beloved butterfly while we continue to live as caterpillars through your example.
I would like to conclude tonight with a poem entitled “I Only Wanted You” by Vicky Holder:
They say memories are golden,
Well, maybe that is true;
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried;
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still;
In my heart you hold a piece
No one could ever fill.
But now I know you want me
To mourn for you no more,
To remember the happy times
Life still has much in store.
Since you'll never be forgotten
I pledge to you today;
A hallowed place within my heart
Is where you'll always stay.
If tears could build a stairway
And heartache make a lane;
I'd walk the path to heaven
And bring you back again.
Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same;
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.
Tiheh nishmasa Tzirurah Bitzruras hachayim. May your soul, the soul of Behiya Zelata bas Shemuel and Sarah Devorah, be bound up in the bonds of eternal life and your acts of loving kindness and your memory continue to be a blessing to us, to all of Klal Yisroel, and to the entire world. Amen
